That’s enuff about work… about me.. I have been taking quite a lot of vitamins lately. Just to make me feel better and inject my brain with a dose of psychological thoughts--->The vitamins are making me healthy.--->It’s giving me more energy. --->And subsequently I will put more weight.

I’m always a skinny person. And people remind me of that about 500 times in a week. I’m just sick of it. I am like this. And I hare it. I always have this delusion that one day I will

put on weight, look good and most important, feel good about myself. I really want it. Not to show off or whatever.  Self satisfaction. I’m not shy to say that in a way,   I’m obsessed about myself.

Steroid. I discover about the existence of it about 5 years back. Have the feeling of taking it since forever. But didn’t have the guts. I’m not a brainless guy. I have been studying about it for quite sometime. And I am aware of the effects.

A senior colleague of mine, who is a body builder converse this matter. And inform me that it’s not dangerous if we obtain it from the proper channel. I’m giving it a shot. Will go and see the doctor (as in real doctor) and get myself a shot. At least for a try.

Prince Vamp has declared that the process will happen…. Soon.

To mars, I’m still considered as a scandal. Yea rite… I liked our relationship. Most of the time I have to be mars’s counselor. So many troubled relationships, all coz of instant love. We’re close and im happy of our relationship. -enuff of introduction.

The reason I’m meeting mars is because I miss mars. It’s been a long long time since we last met. I’ve been swearing at mars for quite few months.

I’m not meeting mars because all the problems and conflicts. I just need a break. Last night, I realize that I don’t really have friends to listen to my probs. No one would understand my situation. Not to say that mars do understand my situation, at least mars listen. (and then make a hell of a joke about me). i just need to see someone. And so it happen, Mars is there.

We have decided to meet up at 8 p.m. somewhere near my house. Right after I have confirmed meeting mars, I got 1 sms from "the person" suggesting we should meet up after work. Im not making excuses, it’s just that I have made prior arrangement.

We had a sms conversation last night and in a way, I do feel like that person is blaming me for whatever happen. The word “promise” really insulted me. As far as I am concern, I know what I say and I have never made any promise.

Now im feel awkwardly uneasy to meet that person. I dont favor  hours of serious conversations. We have had thousands of the same conversations. And I feel bad every single time.  Im just not a somber person. i just want to have friends, be happy. The relationship are much sweeter and easier.. is that too hard?

Maybe I just have to be single till I found my identity. My preference, my happiness.

It’s all so blurry at the moment.

Shit. Awful. That is what I feel since last night. And what I did this morning? Instead of my normal 8 am wake up time, I woke up at 11.30. I just don’t feel like waking up. Not at all. I just want to take my own sweet time and stay on the bed.

A short sms to my colleague saying im attending a last minute appointment solves all my controversy at office. I was just so fucking lazy. Still am lazy. Its disturbing because im usually not like that. I have loads of work and my goals are just to get everything done adequately. I enjoyed my work. In fact, I love it.

But today, im just tired and lazy. Why is that? Guess I’m just pissed of what happen. The so called “conflict” I had last 2 days ago. The person says its ok. No problem. Everything is fine.

But, why silence?

Well, I did something yesterday evening. I ignored the consequences and just poured my view, what I feel to someone.

I have someone close to me. I like spending time, jokes and all this crazy shit that people do.. you know, talk rubbish etc. I do like this person’s personality and creativity. Ideas are marvelous. Business enthusiast etc.. and on top of all, this person have been very extraordinarily helpful to me and my life.. I really appreciate it. really. and I know i can never repay.

I appreciate our relationship. I really do. But our definition of this connection is different. From the first day I know this person, I acknowledge this person as a sibling. As most of normal people will call it typical Malaysian “Pet” relationship. But yes, that is what I wish.

I’m not gonna mention of how this person see and anticipate in our relationship. Because, I don’t know. And I have no right to articulate anything about this person. What I think may not be right and in this case, I do not think highly of myself.

We have discussed, and I have made myself clear of what I see in this relationship. This person know. But I don’t know what is in the mind and most importantly, heart.

The actions clearly states that this person do not see me as a brother. I am mature enough to identify that. Hugs and kisses (general kisses, not on lips) are not really what I favor. Even when I was in a relationship. But I do enjoyed it when I was with my ex. But now, I definitely don’t quite like it. That is what i feel.

On the other side, this person seems to enjoy it. This person like to treat loves one like a baby. Which is sweet, but not with me. Im sorry.

For quite a long time, I just kept it to myself. Just ignore it. I couldn’t say it, because I know by doing so, I would unquestionably offense this person. I cared about the relationship. And yet, it is extremely confusing. Should i just keep my mouth shut or the opposite?

Yesterdat i felt like I just can’t pretend like its not happening. I’m a human, with feelings and I suppose I have to just do what I want sometime. Be myself. Ignore what people feel. be transparent. Make it clear, and be fair (to myself and also that person)

So, I sent a short email telling this person the whole situation. -“Hugs and kisses reminds me of my ex. And I don’t quite like it”- It was minimal, but meaningful. im not sure if it’s harsh. But that’s the only thing I can type. After a while, I got the reply.

I don’t have to write what was replied to me coz that would be unfair to this person. this is my blog, im free to write anything about me, but Im pretty sure I have no right to expose what people write to me. To them, its personal. And I have to respect.

What I can write is the reply is usual. The person is certainly offended and sad. We used to communicate thru calls, sms and email loads of times every day but since last night, there was only 1 sms. From each of us.

The reason I did that is because I want to make myself clear. And I have made both of us feel awful. I wont be able to listen to have any crap-but-funny conversation. Feel extremely awkward when I see this person. hard to keep the conversation normal etc…  

The question is, have I done something wrong?

Why is this life complicated? No.. not life. Its me. Why my life is so fu**ing complicated? Im living a grievous life. I’m certain of what I want, what I need but recently I just realize that I don’t have the supremacy to fix on how I want things to be. Am I just too petrified to say no and scream my thoughts out loud or I just care about people’s feelings too much?

I like things to remain the same. I do not favor changes. But I have to treat myself more. I cannot forfeit my needs just to please people around me. I should not. I love myself more than anyone. And I’ve been ignoring a huge part of my needs.

I want to be free.